Jeff versus the Doctor
by bluenose141
Summary: Originally "Chuck versus the one shot ramblings of a welsh guy", the Doctor finds an unlikely companion in Jeff Barnes. But can Jeff leave the Buy More behind? Here is their story- Your feedback is much appreciated 8
1. Chuck versus John Smith

**A/N: I've used two very good TV shows here, to which I don't own either. This one's a story I've had for weeks and thought what the hell, let's do it. Enjoy!**

Chuck Bartowski, not for the first time, found himself daydreaming again. It was more of an acquired habit than anything else really. He'd been briefed by Sarah that they would be entering a simulation chamber that afternoon, which was something he couldn't wait to do. If only he could simulate some of the more intimate moments he'd shared with Sarah…

The bell at the Nerd Herd desk clinked, and Chuck turned around on his spinny chair. A tall man with tousled brown hair and a long brown jacket was grinning cheesily at him from the other side.

"Excuse me sir, can I help you?" Chuck asked, relieved that he wasn't flashing and that the man wasn't a terrorist or a soldier or something.

"Yes, well actually I hope so. See I need some computer repairs," the man replied, stretching his face briefly as he spoke.

"Is it an Apple?"

"Do I look like I like Mac computers? Actually it's more of a…. well it's hard to explain really… oh what the hell. I guess that's what happens when you live for 906 years,"

"Are you a gamer? I can point you in the experienced hairy hands of Morgan Grimes,"

"Actually, Chuck, I rather needed your help on this one," the man fetched a pair of glasses and squinted at him. "You're the Chuck Bartowski the file mentions. Good. Now I heard from my friend Martha that you have amazing recollection abilities. The Intersect she called it. Am I right?"

Chuck looked surprised as the mysterious man hurdled over the desk. Don't freak out. Just press the panic button. Get Sarah or Casey to deal with him. Shame they were doing paperwork in Castle.

"Umm sir, I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about,"

"You know what I think Chuckie, I think you're lying. And I can prove it. Sontaran,"

Chuck's eyes shuttered and before him ran the image of a baked potato like creature in blue armour dashing about the place.

"You just flashed or something. I can tell. Anyway, about that computer, let's see what you can do with my TARDIS,"

*

The place the man led him to was huge. Absolutely huge. It looked like a blue box on the outside, but inside was like a massive spaceship of sorts. The man pointed to a computer screen near the side which was hissing.

"Got shot by a Dalek cruiser. Guess that's what happens when you leave the doors open to brag,"

"Sir, I don't have my tools with me. Do you have anything I could use? Maybe a screwdriver?"

"Will sonic do? And stop calling me Sir. It's the Doctor ok?"

Chuck gulped, hoping Sarah wasn't looking for him. He was just dreaming, far too much time on Mass Effect 2. Chuck hammered at some buttons, and then smiled back.

"Ok Doctor, well it looks like your TARDIS has a virus. Do you McAfee or Norton? I hear they're very good software helpers,"

"Norton? You mean the General of the 51st Century push on Malcassairo?" the Doctor whittled, and got a pen like device from his pocket. Pointing it at the computer, it made a buzzing noise.

"I don't know what you're on about Doctor. But this virus should come out if you perform a hardware scan,"

"Mr. Bartowski, does it look like I have the time to reboot my TARDIS. Right now, a Cyberman spaceship is entering this galaxy looking to defeat the human race and I need to get to it,"

"Well you could try using a Windows patch," Chuck offered, completely at ends with the stranger. How the hell was he meant to fix this piece of spacejunk. He had to struggle not to run screaming from the place.

"You know Chuck, I guess you can't help me on this one. It's fine, seriously. Enjoy your life, and don't tell anyone about what you saw," the Doctor offered. "Oh, and before you go, a little souvenir. Bought from a market on the planet Clom. Enjoy!" the Doctor threw a small rock at Chuck, which he caught. Stepping out of the TARDIS doors, he breathed in and examined the rock in the shadow of the Buy More. Boy was he going to have a lot of explaining to do.

*

The Doctor walked out slightly dejected but optimistic nonetheless. Martha had been right about him, he wasn't an alien threat. Just a harmless geek. Bit like him really.

Which didn't resolve the virus of the TARDIS.

A rustling to the bins alerted the Doctor, and he noticed a scruffy ginger haired man rummaging in the bins.

"Oh wow. A guy with ginger hair!" the Doctor mused, and ran up to the man. "Excuse me, what was it again?"

"I'm Jeff," the man added helpfully, clutching the Farmers Weekly magazines he had collected from the bins. "I got these magazines first dude,"

"Tell me Jeffrey, what do you know about old pieces of hardware?"

"I know they're hard,"

"Perfect. Bit thick, but perfect nonetheless. Now then, how do you fancy travelling in time and space?"

Jeff's eyes widened, and he dropped the magazines instantly.

"Yeah, thought you'd like that. Now then, we have all of time and space to choose from. Where do you want to go first?"

Jeff seemed to consider for a long time as the Doctor hopped around on his feet.

"I want to go 2 months into the past to tell myself not to try the apples,"

The Doctor froze, and then extended an arm around his new companion. This one was going to take some time before he was ready.

*


	2. Jeff vs the Basic Concept of Time Travel

**A/N: Following on from Chuck versus John Smith comes the first part of Jeff versus the TARDIS. Enjoy! =D**

Earth, the year 2580

"Now then Jeff," the Doctor asked as he stepped out of the TARDIS. We appear to be somewhere in America in the year 2580. What do you want to know first?" He put his hands in his pocket as Jeff emerged, his gingery hair billowing in a non-existent breeze.

"Are we on the same Earth that Metallica once rocked my world?"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure we are Jeff. I think you're quite new to time travel so I'll just go over the concepts,"

"No it's fine. I read them in a Stephen King book once,"

"Jeff, Stephen King has never time travelled in his life. He writes horror movies. My TARDIS can whiz you anywhere in the world. Like America for example, which was established as the world's leading superpower by a John Bartowski I believe,"

"You mean like Chuck's great-great-great nephew?"

"Actually his son. Anyway, moving on. We need to be immensely careful," the Doctor added as they walked down a city street. It appeared to be New York, but more futuristic. Jeff dodged past as a small blue alien hurtled past him, jogging to keep up with the Doctor.

"is it true that if we step on a butterfly then Morgan may score?"

"Honestly Jeff, you've watched way too much Back to the Future. Which I inspired. Anyway, my point is that time travel isn't exactly all fun and games. Usually there are hideous monsters which follow me around the place wanting to kill me,"

Jeff sucked in air through his cheeks. "I know the feeling from my sister,"

The Doctor stopped in his tracks, staring dumbfounded at Jeff. Jeff shrugged his shoulders and then walked ahead of the Doctor.

"Oi! You don't know where you're going!"

"My house used to be around here,"

"Jeff! This is the future! Things don't stay the… oh what's the use," the Doctor tailed off as Jeff ran ahead into the distance. He would steel himself for Jeff's screams as he discovered the Meteor crash site before him.

Which never came.

"Jeffrey, is everything ok?"

"They changed my house into an outdoor performing stage," Jeff's eyes lit up.

"Actually, that's where the meteor K-92 crashed and nearly killed all of L.A. If it wasn't for me and my sonic screwdriver,"

As if to prove a point, the Doctor whipped out a sonic screwdriver and smiled briefly, before buzzing it at a cash machine. Several bills flew out into the air and landed on the floor near Jeff.

"So you're an assassin! Like on Assassin's Creed 2!" Jeff realised.

"No no no no no! I'm the Doctor. Like a medic I guess. I save people from time and space and stuff,"

"I think I played a video game about you once,"

"Jeff, shut it please. Just, sshh! I think I just heard something,"

As if on cue, a shooting star illuminated the sky, glowing a bright red against the fading sunlight. It blazed over them briefly, before crashing with an almighty explosion into the crater which was Jeff's house.

"What the hell was that?" Jeff asked, concerned for his house.

"I don't know, but do you want to find out?"

*


	3. Jeff versus the Sob Story

_The Doctor gives Jeff the emotional "Last of the Time Lords" speech. Can be played to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars apparently to further develop the emotion. Bet you can't guess the ending here!_

"So Doctor. You mentioned aliens before?"

"Yeah I did Jeff. What about it?"

"Is there any alien you really hate? Like you know how the X-men get Magneto and stuff? Do you have a Magneto?"

The Doctor stares confused at Jeff, who merely stares at the Doctor without blinking.

"I have an enemy yes. They're called the Daleks,"

"I think my sister had a boyfriend called that before?"

"Jeff, I'm pretty sure that was maybe Darren. You were talking about him earlier in your sleep?"

"Dude, you have no rights listening to me in my sleep!"

"Jeff, this is personal. The Daleks are hideous. All mutant like, caged up in metallic shells. Exterminators of mankind if given the chance. They've killed my people just the same way,"

Jeff blinked sullenly.

"That sounds like such a cool video game! Wait, you mean there's more of you martians running about?"

"Jeff, we're not martians. I'm a Time Lord. From the planet Gallifrey,"

"I think I caught a bus there once,"

"It got blown up by me. It was either that or let them kill all my people,"

"So that means you're all alone?"

The Doctor goes to wipe a stray tear from his eye. "Yeah. I'm all alone,"

"I think I can help you there,"

*

An hour later

"Lester. Welcome to the TARDIS!" Jeff boomed proudly, throwing an arm into the air.

The Doctor hit his head on the console of the machine in frustration. "Jeff when I said I was lonely I thought you meant you found someone for me,"

"Lester is a time lord. He saves me all the time. I'm pretty sure he has a TARDIS,"

"Actually Lester, that's more of a religious thing. And this place is pretty tripping,"

"God help me," the Doctor yelled as he watched the two idiots wandering the TARDIS. "This is going to be one helluva ride,"


	4. Jeff versus the End of Time: Part One

**A/N: This one's been long overdue. It's just been finding time to do it. So here's one I really wanted to write for some time-**

**Presenting, Jeff vs the Timothy Dalton lookalike who was also on 'Chuck': Part one of three.**

"All of time. All of space. Everything that ever was, and ever will be. Every moment that you ever knew or heard of. Every star in the night sky. This is my TARDIS, and I'm inviting you to accompany me. We can go to the edge of reality and watch the Sun set on the last Battalion of Karrionites. Or we can go and meet the famous poet Homer of Troy. The choice is up to you, Jeffrey Barnes,"

Jeff looked up from his vantage point beside the controls of the TARDIS, once again examining the man who sat before him. Impossible. Good looking, in a creepy kind of way. Jeff would love to see him fight in a cage match, just so he could take pictures and send them to his Thailand friends.

"I have an idea," Jeff whispered, then reached into his back pocket. His fingers clawed at the edges of his scientific calculator, then found the scrap of paper he sought.

"What's that?" the Tenth Doctor asked, eagerly eyeing the paper. He loved it when his companions became independent. He also liked gingers. Not that this one was anywhere near as cute as Donna Noble…

"I made a list of places I want to go if ever a mysterious man ever arrived in my back garden with a time machine," Jeff explained, then handed the piece of paper to his new friend.

"Because the chances of that happening are remarkably slim. Anyway, the paper says "Strawberry jelly, Mayonnaise and Waffle Mix. None of those planets exist," the Doctor smiled, placing his geek glasses on to double check Jeff's awful handwriting.

"You never know. I heard that people got probed by aliens. Do you probe people?"

The Doctor froze in horror, then placed his left hand on the accelerator.

"I'm from Gallifrey. We don't do anal probes!"

"I wouldn't judge you man. I nearly tried it once with this hobo I found living in Nevada. Or was that mouthwash. I forget,"

The Doctor's hand flew over the television screen and began to twist some dials. After a second of awkward silence, they were in flight once again.

"There we go. TARDIS set to take us to the planet of Waxxworth. A gigantic wax museum, a bit like Madame Tussauds, but in space! Imagine Jeff! You can see the Moxx of Balhoon, who looks like a great big blue baboon!"

"They stole Morgan? That sounds fun Doctor. Let's do that!"

Over the whirring of the engines came the sound of the Mexican Hat Dance. Jeff's hand once again found his pocket, and his eyebrow raised instantly.

"Doctor, do you know anyone called 89671?"

"Yes Jeff, because where I'm from we all call ourselves by numbers,"

Jeff's face hardened, then he spoke the words which came from the text.

He will knock four times.


End file.
